Today I was at IHOP having breakfast. At the table across the isle from me sat a young mother and three small sons the youngest being 4 or 5 years old.
The youngest boy was looking at the beautifully colored menu and pointed an item out to his mom. Then I heard the mother say to him, “No, I’m going to order you the thing I always get you”. The response made the little boy sad and he closed the menu and started to pout. Apparently he wanted to order something different than his mom was going to order for him. My first thoughts were in defense of the mother. Maybe she was going to have the boy share a plate of food since she knew he could not eat a whole order by himself. When the order came all three boys and the mother had there own plate of waffles topped with strawberries.
I don’t know exactly why the mom ordered the food she chose for her family. However it reminded me how often we make decisions for our children based on what we want for them, rather than asking them what they want.
It can be tricky because from the time are children are newborns we feed them what and when we want and dress them in what we want them to wear. Then slowly they grow up and become their own person with different likes than ours. It’s so gradual that there’s no certain day when suddenly we stop making decisions for them and they begin making all their own choices. So one of the parenting challenges is to gradually teach our kids how to make choices and let them practice.
Choosing what to order at a restaurant (or what to have for lunch at home) is a good place to learn how to choose. Just because we like waffles, it doesn’t mean they have to like them, even if we’ve been serving them for breakfast for as long as they’ve been alive. BUT, after they choose they need to be taught they have to accept the consequences of the choice.
What does this look like?
Teaching how to make a choice is more than just saying, “Fine, order what you want but don’t blame me if you don’t like it”.
It should sound more like, “The picture on the menu is pretty but it usually does not look like that when they serve it”, or, “Do you know that that dish has onions in it, do you want onions?” OR whatever else your experience tells you might be a concern that their inexperience might have kept them from realizing.
Suggested steps for teaching a child to make a good choice:
- Explain to them you are giving them a chance to make their own choice
- Simplify the choice by narrowing it down to 3 or 4 options
- Explain the options (be specific and use a kind voice)
- Give parameters (money limit or size limit, etc)
- After they’ve made their choice, if it fits within the parameters you’ve set, respect their decision and let go. Don’t try to talk them into something different.
- Let them feel the natural consequence of their choice.
It’s good to let our children practice making a choice when the outcome does not have a huge consequence. Let them make their own choices while the consequences are small and safe and they can get practice for the bigger choices down the road.